L made me a card and T picked flowers from the yard. Both of them hugged and kissed me, and I hoped deep inside they found the day no different than any other. I hoped as people talked about "moms" and giving "mom" this or that they didn't hear it, that it didn't confuse them. Though, I'm sure it did. I'm not their mommy and they don't call me mom. Their still confused about the whole situation and T has determined "mommy is lost."
Yesterday a heaviness I could not explain hung over me. Their was so much joy, looking into my babies eyes, looking at the ones who made me a mom. But there was so much hurt, too.
My heart was broken, knowing that my first mother's day means their bio mom's first mother's day without them. Me getting to hold and rock and kiss these babies means that she doesn't.
I don't know her, save a few random details. I am so quick to judge and I'm letting Jesus work that out of me. I'm thankful these babies are safe here. But it does not stop my heart from hurting for her.
The reality of the situation is she doesn't deserve to have them right now. But then again, neither do I. Nothing I did or will do merits getting to know their precious hearts or feel them nuzzle into my neck when they want to feel safe. It's grace, all grace.
It's such a strange tension. My heart breaking, pleading with the Father that He would make their mommy whole, enable her to love and parent these babies, that she would be made brand new. And my heart breaking knowing that if and when the day comes that I have to watch them leave I will know a pain far deeper than I ever hope to feel.
If there's anything fostering has taught me it's that time is short. This may be my one and only mother's day with them. I may spend the rest of my mother's days praying that they are safe, that they are loved, that they have a mom who cherishes them.
I don't know what next year brings, or even tomorrow for that matter.
But I know I love being their "ka-n" for however long the Lord allows.
L & T, I promise I will love you forever. Thank you for making me a mom.
